its finally the holidays. im totally stoked with the idea of having two weeks off to myself. oh boy, it sure feels good. although, some issues are weighing on my mind..
was talking to drey ytd about people, and perceptions. what do people think about, and why dont they say what they really feel instead of hiding it inside? sometimes, i would very much rather people tell me what they honestly feel rather than having me to second guess. sigh. maybe im just thinking too much. maybe im letting forbidden emotions get into the way of things. maybe i try too hard. oh wells.

school.
it had never occurred to me that i could actually be so open with this group of people whom i have only known for about half a year. my behaviour around them is just so andrea.. its just so me. i find myself comfortable to sing my lungs out. comfortable enough to scream and go crazy. comfortable enough to speak my mind, though when it comes to sharing personal stuff, i'd very much rather keep to myself. but the fact that i can belt out in song in the midst of the hectic schedule of everyday reaffirms me of the andrea i am, unlike the persona i may cast on myself whilst in church or anywhere else. maybe i am happier. but, the inability to share my emotions make it hard for me when im with them. the feelings that stir when something unexpected crops up leaves me stranded, crying out silently for attention which i know i will never receive despite my constant effort to try to make things go a level higher. why do i bother to plan and reach out when sometimes, the people on the other end clearly only want things for their own benefit? i have no idea. everyone has their flaws, and i dont expect to be loved in return. but in any case, im just glad t02 has been united enough to support each other. i certainly hope when we split i dont end up in a class void of emotion and full of competition. yes, competition is good, but not when envy becomes the cornerstone in the tasks that lies ahead.
i begin to contemplate the acts i have carried out, the words i've used, the feelings that i've withheld. am i being a child of God who loves? or have i fallen to the vices of the world? sigh.

i dont know why im wondering so much today, and why thinking has taken its seat on the throne of my mind. sigh. i just want things to be good. but will that be the case as time goes by? i doubt. angie said, pessimism lessens the disappointment. let pessimism take its place before hope? hmmm.