the more i see things, the more annoyed i get. i just dont understand how a flood of memories can cause such a headache. pictures can really make one think. and the thinking is giving me a mental ulcer that just doesnt go away regardless of how much fluid i consume. these fluids make me numb. i dont like feeling numb all my life. i dont like living this kind of life. a life not like myself. and i dont see how my mistakes can cause so much banging in my head. i need to undergo some form of mental construction at this rate. i really dont know how i got to this stage. i mean, sure, it was sort of for fun, despite the fact that i really was in adoration. i dont know how i let myself lose control. the control that keeps my every being sane. the control that prevents me from wanting to stop and run.
"i cant explain myself at all."
its absolutely debasing. the things that dash through my mind whenever im conscious confound me. why is it so? cant it all be simple and neat, easy to understand and uncomplicated? i refuse to take in all this crap, but i have no other alternative. there will never be a person who can understand. there will never be a person who has heard and not judge.
i need Your grace.
my transgressions have placed me in the nadir of this pit. poops.
okay okay, i think enough of the emo writing. its time for me to get on with life. feeling much better now.. though talking to people would be a whole lot healthier than typing my woes onto my laptop. oh wells.
"well i know that its a wonderful world, but i cant feel it right now."
hope i can feel it soon.